Yesterday took me completely by surprise. I had been feeling pretty okay. Things weren’t great but they weren’t awful. All of a sudden, for no apparent reason, I fell into a black hole of sadness.
I was on my lunch break for my temp job when it started. Depression usually takes over my hands first and makes them feel heavy and tingly. In an effort to deny the feeling, I went for a walk outside hoping that a good dose of sunshine would help.
It was a depression I hadn’t felt in YEARS. It was one of those depressive episodes that causes panic because it feels like it’s going to last forever.
When I got home from work, I poured myself a sparking water and paced around the apartment for a while. I knew I had to feel it, whatever it was. I knew I couldn’t run from it.
I took my dog for a walk, each step feeling heavier than the last. I made myself keep going.
From what I’ve read online, these depressive episodes are quite common when you stop drinking. It’s a side effect of your brain working to regain balance and chemistry. This is all well and good, but I can see how this would be a time that someone would seriously consider foregoing the whole thing and drinking again. I found myself wishing I could drink something, anything to drown it away.
I wanted to write this post because I wanted a drink REALLY badly, but I didn’t have one. There was no celebration or fanfare, it was just an ordinary day.
When I woke up this morning I felt better. I also felt something else,something new. I felt admiration for myself. I felt strong, tired and achy, but strong.
If you are currently experiencing some form of depression or negative side effect from alcohol or drug withdrawal, I want to tell you that it will pass. You can do this.
It feels horrible and scary, but it’s just your brain reeling from the lack of dopamine. You are not going crazy, you’re not going to feel sad forever, there is another side.
Do whatever you can to get through it. Watch a movie, make your favorite food, go running. Just don’t give your brain what it thinks it wants.
You can make it until tomorrow.