Hello Saturday. Today I am facing a pretty large sobriety test…
Here’s some backstory:
- I’m married to a wonderful man
- He has a wonderful family
- They love love love to drink
- Drinking is a large part of their identity
- I don’t think I’ve ever spent time with them without alcohol in the 9 years I’ve been with my husband
- I’m scared and I can’t put my finger on why
- We are heading to their mountain home and will be staying over for two nights
Most of my morning has been spent thinking of all the shitty excuses I can think of to tell them why I’m not drinking. I realize I may be making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Regardless, I like to be prepared.
Here’s a short list of my shitty excuses:
- Alcohol has been making me feel terrible and I’m taking a break for a while (this is true, but when I say break I mean – at least – 365 days)
- I’m on a medication that I can’t mix with alcohol (lie)
- I don’t feel like it (feeble, room for pressuring)
- I had a rough night last night (lie)
- I’m on a cleanse (sure, a year long one)
- I’m pregnant (not even going to go down that road)
- I have a headache (feeble, time sensitive)
- I’m driving (doesn’t work as we are spending the night)
All of these feel cowardly. Like I’m not owning my life and my choices. My default is to brush it under the rug like it’s no big deal, when the fact is that it IS a big deal. I’m making a huge step towards improving my life and all I feel is embarrassment and shame. I feel shame because I can’t seem to maintain a healthy relationship with alcohol. I feel embarrassed because I was using alcohol as a way to avoid taking risks and making big, scary steps in my business. In many ways, sobriety doesn’t feel like a triumph, it feels like failure. Like a mark against my personal strength and character.
This makes me terribly sad. I’m sitting here thinking about all the people on their own paths of recovery. I’m thinking about how fucked up it is that we have to constantly justify our choice to the world. To a world that views us as weak, broken, unworthy.
It’s for this reason that I am going to scrap all of my excuses and tell my family the truth.
I’ll let you know what happens…