when you can’t deny how you feel

My heart hurts. I’m flooded with so many emotions that I can hardly handle it. Where is all this coming from?

It seems like a good idea to not make big decisions within the first few months. I can’t tell what emotions are real or residual.

Now that I have stopped drinking, my life feels too empty. My ‘perfect little bubble of happiness’ looks more like a tangled fishing net in the light of day. I thought I had my life so together! I thought I had enough friends and expereinces. It turns out I don’t, not even close.

My life was big enough when I was spending 20 + hours drinking with others and myself. Those hours would melt away into a fuzzy cloud, passing quickly and effortlessly.

Now they’re just open containers waiting to be filled.

I feel scared. I feel lonely. I feel grief.

To make matters worse, one of my closest friends just left for two weeks. He was there when I made the decision to quit and I realized that I care for him so much more deeply when I’m sober. When I was drinking, his extroversion and constant need for connection felt overwhelming and annoying. Now that I am clear-headed, I realize that I need the same things. I’m not an extrovert but any stretch of the imagination, but I crave meaningful connection and don’t have enough of it in my life. I’m not even sure where to go to find more of it…

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