I’m coming up on my second week without alcohol and it feels like I’m thawing out. Honestly, it’s not a great feeling. You know how, when you take your boots off at the end of a long day of skiing, your toes tingle and burn as they warm up? That’s what this feels like except it’s my heart not my toes. Ouch.
It feels like a tidal wave of pent up feelings are pummeling me at full speed and I have no idea how to pull myself upright. I can somewhat understand AA in the sense that it offers community. I don’t know who to talk to about this which is why this blog is such a blessing.
Let me give you some backstory… I’m happily married and have been in a monogomous relationship with my husband for nearly ten years. He is a wonderful man. He’s kind and funny and affectionate. We have been in love for a long time. I made the decision to remove alcohol from my life while he was away on a three week business trip. I mentioned it to him, he was supportive but not in a place to have a deeper conversation.
Come to think of it, he’s not a deep emotional conversation type of man. He’s simple in that way. Wildly intelligent but simple.
Even after just two short weeks, I feel a profound pulse of change vibrating within me. I’m changing in unpredictable and unruly ways. It scares me because it feels like I am going deeper and deeper into my soul while he sits safely on the surface. It feels like I’m leaving him behind. Leaving our cozy, comfortable, safe coexistance behind.
I can’t tell you how surprised I am by all of this.
I’m surprised at how lonely I feel in my life.
Here I thought that alcohol didn’t play ‘that big’ of a role in my life and now that I’ve removed it, a whole other self is pushing her way to the light. I expected transformation. I didn’t expect dissolution.
And this is just the beginning.
My whole body is buzzing with sensations that I must have been numbing for the last fifteen years.
Who is the thawed out, liquid version of me? Will she be as happy in this life as her frozen sister was?