frozen

I’m 8 days into my new life and I feel like a crazy person.

I feel like crying all the time, this coupled with fleeting moments of euphoria. It reminds me of when I did my first Vipassana meditation retreat. As decades of pent up emotion thawed out, I would feel increasing waves of mania, anger, confusion, sadness, joy, and dread.

That’s what’s happening here. I feel pulled down. Down to somewhere deep inside myself. A place I have been obliviously skating over for years, ignorant of the deep darkness that lied beneath. As I go down down down, I have no choice but to open my eyes to the horror and face it.

If you’re the kind of person who does not outwardley express emotions, you’ll understand what I’m talking about.

Alcohol never solved anything, it never offered comfort. It only settled to the top like bubbled tonic in a syrupy drink. Coating everything in denial. I thought I had dealt with these things. It turns out it’s all just been holed up in the shadows waiting. Waiting for me to sink to the bottom with the light of my undivided attention.

I’m sitting on the floor, freezing but not enough to kill me. Only enough to shiver as I draw in breath after icy breath. I sit there while my past experiences take turns screaming in my face. How do you like me now? They seeth.

I can do nothing but watch and listen.

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